Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
