If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
