I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
