I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
