Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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