yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
