i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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