Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
