I murdered the dance floor call the cops
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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