Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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