my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
