I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
