so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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