so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just found puke in my bra..
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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