And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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