I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
