Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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