I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
