so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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