I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
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