The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize