how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
