k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
