i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i wish my penis had a tongue
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
as a side note pls kill me
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
