i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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