i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
