we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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