I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
