sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
