Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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