If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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