and you said cock pushups were impossible
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize