how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
