What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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