His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
