Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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