You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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