Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize