dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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