You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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