yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
