I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just found puke in my bra..
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
