The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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