We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Even my vagina gasped.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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