you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
