why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
