I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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