I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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