Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
should my penis look like a turkey
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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