he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize