Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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