Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
