I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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