it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
