I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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