Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Sext me about skeletons
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