By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
