Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
