Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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