Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
