giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
