I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
