I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
then he tried to convert me to islam
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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