I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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