my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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