So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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