guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
