trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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