just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
