i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
