Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
don't judge my taste in strippers
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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